This past weekend I was angry, jealous, and filled with a lot of negativity when I should have been focused on celebrating.
The next day I was contemplating why did I feel that way, what was really going on within me. What I realized is that a part of me wants to be mad.
Underlying my anger is a fear of what may happen in the future. A part of me feels like if I hold on to the anger (which is caused by the jealousy) that I am somehow protecting myself from a future hurt or that I can “prevent” that fear/hurt from happening.
Sometimes we don’t actually want to let go of that anger, pain, grief, or forgive (although we think we do) because in our mind holding on means we are staying “safe” and are protecting ourselves.
See, we can’t move on if we don’t really want to or if we feel like it’s not safe to, so, the first step is being honest with ourselves about that.
The next step is accepting that we don’t want to move on or feel differently yet, and to allow ourselves to feel what we feel. Allowing and accepting what we really feel are the first steps – crucial steps – before we can actually begin to move on.
I encourage you to go inward so grab your journal (or just contemplate)…
Is there someone you’re having trouble forgiving, or that has pissed you off and you’re holding on to anger towards them? Or how about hurting and grieving a loss?
Get really honest with yourself, is there a part of you that wants to feel that way towards them/ the situation?
Wanna get really courageous – go into that needing/wanting to feel that way and ask yourself what is it doing for you?
Really feel it. Be with it.
It’s not about judging yourself (it NEVER is), this is about becoming aware of a hidden part of yourself so you can accept it, and even love on it (because that’s really what any fear is asking for – is to be loved).
Look, I’m still working through my feelings and fear but now I’m aware that it’s there and how it shows up for me. I am practicing loving that part of myself who fears that happening in the future. I know this is how I will heal it, and I know it’s how you can heal your own fear too.
If you have found this post useful you may enjoy the journal I created, Freedom, A Journal For Deep Self-Discovery.