Last week while I was at work my husband texted me asking me to call and schedule him a dentist appoint ASAP to have his tooth pulled. He said that he couldn’t call because it was hurting so bad that he can’t even talk. This was all of a sudden. He hadn’t had a tooth ache before this. Later he told me he was working and his tooth started hurting really, really bad. It was so bad the he tried orajel, swishing cool water in his mouth, and just not talking to help the pain subside.
He ended up having to have 2 teeth pulled. The first one had been growing sideways and into the one next to it causing an infection all the way down into the root.
When he first texted me to ask me to schedule the appointment he knew he was going to have to have the tooth pulled because several years ago a dentist had told him the situation about that tooth, however he didn’t keep up with his check-ups over the years so he didn’t know how bad it got until it started hurting that day.
What does all of this have to do with YOU?
After his teeth got pulled, I asked him if he liked the experience of having to go through this- meaning, his tooth all of a sudden hurting like crazy, not being able to make the pain go away, having to find an emergency dentist that would take in a new patient and do surgery right away, then having to tend to the aftercare without really being prepared. See, this is exactly what happened to him several years ago.
We often do things over and over without realizing it. I don’t think he would have thought about it too much if I hadn’t asked the question.
We put ourselves in situations which cause ourselves uneasiness, pain, or even suffering. I’m not saying everything can be prevented. We just have to pay more attention to how we’re moving in this life. In every way. When we get in a fight with our partner, we need to ask ourselves some deep questions. When our children act out and we punish them, we need to ask ourselves some deep questions. When we’re pulling up to a parking spot that then all of a sudden gets taken by someone else, we need to ask ourselves some deep questions.
Anything that “bothers” us or causes us to feel sad, angry, frustrated, guilt- we need to ask deep questions.
What are the questions we need to ask?
First start with, do I want to experience this again in this same way? Look at the whole situation, if it helps write out step by step of what happened as I illustrated above with my hubby’s tooth situation. It doesn’t have to be super detailed, just get the idea of what happened.
Next, look at situation and know exactly what you didn’t like about it, specifically, note how it made you feel– physical pain, stress, scared, guilty.
Now, without self-judgment, think of how it could have been different- how could this have played out differently? Knowing what you know now, if this were to happen again in what ways would you change your reactions or prevented this?
For my hubby’s example, he said he wanted to start going to the dentist every six months for his check-ups. Personally I think he ignored it because he actually does have really good teeth and has very good oral hygiene so he probably just felt he didn’t need to. But this was before I pointed out the fact that he had gone through this before (the tooth problem was because it’s just how his tooth was growing and had nothing to do with hygiene). He realized that the pain he felt that day could have been prevented because the dentist would have noticed during the check-ups how that one tooth was impacting the other and could have gotten it pulled instead of waiting until breaking point and having to get them both pulled.
Again, don’t go into feeling like things should have been different- no regrets. This is just about looking at the situation objectively and deciding how you want to make things different going forward.
Another question to consider, especially when anger is involved, why am I so angry/ bothered about this? For the parking spot example- why do I really even care if they took that spot? What do I think they are saying to me (many times we are thinking that the other person are thinking something about us, we take it personally)? Is it true (how could they think something about me personally when they don’t even know me)? Why do I care about what they think (because they don’t know me)?
It’s all about digging down deep to understand why it is truly bothering you. I’m going to be honest, this one takes practice, especially if you’re not use to doing introspection work. You may only ask a few times/ a few questions but not get down to the real issue. And that’s because at first we don’t want to know the truth about ourselves- we want to keep the idealized, fantasy version of ourselves. We feel like if “I get down to the real issue I’m going to have to actually deal with it.” And many times we’ve buried it for a reason. It’s painful. Some more truth here- it’s painful keeping it hidden and not dealing with it.
As Albert Einstein has been quoted as saying “we cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them”- we must learn to think and then behave differently in order to alleviate some of the pain and suffering we experience in our lives.
I hope this is helpful in your own journey and that you have a moment of peace today.
Now, I want to know- What situation in your life are you going to ask yourself the deep questions? Start where you are. Think of a recent situation that was not pleasant so you can begin this practice.
Wishing you peace, love, and happiness. Always.
-Alisha AE